Growing Pains

Some people are the target of criticism, and no matter what they can never make everybody happy.
Some people put on a show of being okay and act like what people say doesn't hurt them.
Some people feel so excluded and ostracized that bad moments start piling up and compounding.
Some people have so much weighing down on them that it feels like nothing can bring them peace.
Some people know just how much it hurts to be hurt, and so they try to keep others from being hurt only to have it thrown back in their face and get hurt again.


How is somebody who feels alone supposed to heal and feel accepted when everywhere they turn they get a door slammed in their face?


Being hurt and let down by people is a fast way to feel alone and lonely and depressed.
Once you feel like you're being surrounded by mean words and constant oppression, very little can make you feel better.
Occasionally a kind word may be spoken, but the harsh comments far outweigh any kind of encouragement.


People say mean things. People speak without thinking. People bring each other down. Words are possibly the most violent weapon someone can ever use to attack another person.


What I think people don't understand is that even if it was "just a joke" or that they were "being super sarcastic" it doesn't really matter the intent, it still hurts. A lot. And it's not that somebody who is hurt is being a wimp, or being childish, or that they should suck it up and deal. Nobody should have to feel like they are being verbally attacked. Veiled in sarcasm or not.


The whole "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" thing is bologna. Words can hurt like crazy.


I am sarcastic, so I'm not saying that nobody should ever use that kind of humor, but there IS a point where too much is too much.
Some people can seem really tough and put-together and that nothing ever phases them, but in the privacy of their room or in the confidence of a friend who isn't judging them, they'll break down sobbing.


How do I know this?
Well, I deal with it. I know others deal with it. I've witnessed how just one backhanded comment can completely change the course of somebody's day.
Why aren't we more careful with what we say? Do we really want to make their day horrible?


I try to not show emotion. I try to be honest without giving anything personal away. I try to pretend I'm not hurt and broken, but lately I've seen those walls and pretenses falling away. I think it's a God thing, because it hurts a lot to be an open book and have your feelings spelled out for everybody to read. I don't even particularly want to be read. I don't really like having my feelings out in the open for hurling insults.


But part of growing is getting pruned. Part of learning is allowing painful lessons to be taught. Part of letting God have His way in my life is not allowing my fear of being rejected take control. Part of giving God His rightful power in my life is by saying I am SO not strong enough to handle this.


Even just writing this all out is a struggle for me.
But I'm kind of sick and tired of people not being honest.
I'm kind of tired that sharing true feelings is so discouraged.
What is the point of putting on a mask? What good does it do?
I've tried wearing masks. I've tried painting on a smile and doing the whole "I'm happy all the time" act.


You know something? It sucks.


It sucks to pretend to be happy around people who don't know you're sad. It sucks to hide your hurt, because then nobody really knows how you feel. And when nobody knows how you feel, and you continue to pretend to be okay, it all builds up. And when it builds up enough... when you've finally stacked as many bad days on top of each other as you possibly can... they'll fall.


You... I cannot keep my emotions locked away forever.
I'm not ever going to like having insults thrown my way.
I don't think I'll wake up tomorrow and suddenly be immune to getting my feelings hurt.


But I do know that I'm not alone.
I do know that when I'm at my weakest, God is able to show His strength.


I feel weak. I feel tired. I feel ready to go home and sleep.
But God is great, even when life isn't good.

Perseverance.

Persevere. Verb.
     1) Steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.


Sometimes it really hurts to persevere.
After a door has been closed and the key to the now locked door has been thrown away, it feels silly to keep pursuing a goal or look for new ways to make something happen.


I have major issues with pride and stubbornness. I hate to be wrong, and would much rather sarcastically quip my way out of an argument, and I'd rather put up a tough front than actually admit something or someone has hurt me.


Recently, a door closed on me even as I was trying to walk through the doorway. It hurts to find out something you've been hoping for isn't going to happen, and it hurts even more when the door wasn't even slammed in your face, but instead you were ushered kindly out of the way so as not to get your fingers caught. Not that it hurts any less.


Something about being let down sticks with you no matter how nicely you were told. Something about harboring no ill feelings towards whoever brings you the news makes healing from the hurt harder. If you are able to feel angry about something, you can rationalize your pain more easily. But if there is no reason to be mad, the healing takes longer, but the wound can heal with time. It may leave a scar, but that scar won't keep being picked off every time the urge to relive a memory comes. Surface level pain heals quickly, and eventually you forget. Deep pain can scar, but you keep the lessons learned with you.

Psalm 107:19-20

     Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them out of their distresses. He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction. 

Although the distress of the moment feels overwhelming, and the pain sometimes feel like an inner destruction, I know God has me taken care of. 

My fear doesn't negate His power. 

My shortcomings don't make Him weak.

My anxiety and worry do not lessen His strength.

I have to remember to let myself feel loved by Him.

I have to rely on nothing but Him when I feel small.

I have control not over what happens, but how I respond.

I can't allow myself to wake up in the morning and focus on my flaws.

I can't let myself get caught up in my insecurities.

I can't look in the mirror and feel like God didn't do a good enough job on me.

If I let worry, fear, stress, and doubt consume my thoughts, I leave no room to dwell on His promises that He will never leave me, never forsake me, and never give me more than I can bear.

I fall short, but He does not.

I fall down, and He picks me up.

I fall away, and He draws me back to Himself.

His grace and mercy will continue.

His love and kindness will continue.

His patience and generosity will continue.

Who am I to doubt when He has always been faithful?

Ebullience... pass it around.

ebullience. noun. 

     1) high spirits; exhilaration; exuberance. 

     2) a boiling over; overflow.

What does it mean to have joy? To be grateful? To appreciate the moments in life that only come around once in a while?

How do we recognize when those moments are in our midst? What do we do in response to the acts of kindness and sweet words we receive from a friend?

Do we nod politely, say thank you, and go on our way? Are we cordial and gracious and forget about it tomorrow?

Or are we overwhelmed that somebody took time out of their day to think of us? Do we express gratitude in the way we live our lives? Is our thankfulness radiating from the smile on our face?

Why don't we get excited about the things that make us happy? Is it because we're afraid our ebullience will scare off someone who doesn't get it? Are we so concerned about the opinion somebody may have of us that we harness and hide the enthusiasm and delight a happy moment brings us?

I feel like there's a time and a place for ebullience. There are moments when jumping up and down with glee is appropriate. There are times when we need to be still, and times when being still should be a crime. 

Our joy in Christ should be ebullient. It should boil over. It should fill us up with an exhilaration and exuberance that we cannot help but overflow onto those around us. His love was not given to us for us to store up in a little treasure chest beneath our bed. His love was given freely and abundantly so we could turn it around and give it back to Him. Our love should be spilling over the brim of the cup He has so graciously continued to fill onto everyone around us. Whether we know them or not, we should never be hiding the ebullience that God gives us when we want to know Him and share our thirst for Him with all of the people we meet.