Not a sprint, but a marathon

Summer came and went far too quickly. Granted, by the calendar there are still a few weeks left, but seeing as how my friends are about to start another year at school and the leaves outside this coffee shop window are starting to turn colors, it just doesn't quite feel like summer anymore.

Where do I begin? I guess for starters, these past couple months have been AMAZING. I got back into town after a lot of my friends had gone home for the summer. I anticipated it being really lonely and boring and that I'd spend most of it at home watching TV when I wasn't working. Although I have spent a good deal of time at home I have also been so blessed to find that this summer was far from lonely, anything but boring, and chock full of great friends and endless laughter.

As some of you know I challenged myself to go beyond my comfort zone the last three months. Basically, as long as it wouldn't severely interfere with being responsible about getting to work at 5am, whenever the opportunity came up to spend time with friends, I would take it. I tend to be a bit of a homebody when I'm tired and that causes me to allow my natural tendency to be lazy and antisocial to grow into something ugly.

I am an extrovert, but I have discovered that after a long day at work I revert to my introverted side with almost a deliriously joyous glee and relish. I finally bought myself a guitar, so now I can play more than just when I'm back home in New York. I have played more in the past couple weeks than I have in the past two years combined. Not that it means much because I haven't really improved at all, but it has brightened my overall mood considerably. If I go too long without belting show tunes at the top of my lungs, playing guitar, or spilling my guts on paper or computer, I feel really tense and stressed and grumpy and not a soul likes me much during those times. :P

It didn't take long for God to make it quite clear He had a whole lot of good stuff in store for me.

Example one: I love my job! My coworkers are a blast to work with, and I leave with a grin on my face almost every day. I had been pretty mehh about my previous job situation, but this position has been like a breath of fresh air, and a major answer to prayer. Yes, it consists mainly of shifts beginning at 5:00 AM, but usually weekdays don't have a whole lot of parties going on anyway. ;)

Example two: My friends are some of the most legit people I have ever known. I had a few conversations that put a lot of the things I have been thinking and struggling with into perspective. If there's anything that helps turn your attitude around, it is a frank discussion with somebody who has already gone through the place you're in, survived, and loves to help others avoid the mistakes they have made. 

Example three: My family is precious and I love them immensely. I was so grateful that almost the whole family was able to come visit for my birthday. I spent several days at the beach with my mother and sisters, and it was rejuvenating. We sat on the boardwalk talking about life, its trials, and its triumphs. It sounds counter-intuitive but sometimes having standards can make life feel more discouraging. It was so sweet to see how God is shaping and growing my baby sisters into such wise and mature people with a real heart for seeking truth and justice despite how hard life can be when you're not sure what the right choice is. It helps to be reminded that family loves you regardless of where you're at in life.

There are a bunch more wonderful little tidbits, but some are the kind of special that you keep to yourself in a happy little corner of your heart. :)

Overall I feel like I've grown-up a lot. There is still a long way to go, but I'm pretty sure any start is better than none at all. I have my faith, family, friends, and a couple dreams in my pocket and some words of wisdom on my sleeve. There is a peace about life that I really haven't felt before. I see more potential around me on a daily basis, I'm more hopeful, I feel more optimistic, and I have a sense of purpose I don't think I had previously. I have had a bad tendency to make snap-judgments in my life, and I've seen how that has hurt several of my friendships in the past, so that was something I've really wanted to get rid of. I think I've made progress in being more relaxed about the differences I have with people. I've always been non-confrontational, but I think practicing being non-judgmental has been a much harder journey than I anticipated. Little by little!

There is still a lot up-in-the-air about the future, but the possibilities are endless. What better time is there than now to dream big, love life, and learn how to make mistakes than when a wonderful group of friends have your back and are on your side? It's refreshing to feel the freedom to spread your wings and know that if it doesn't work out you have people to help you back up when you hit the ground.

For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say I love my life. And I love that! :)

I'm Going To Find My Way

(So, I just realized this didn't post when I thought I had... This was written around May 11-12th... or right after. I'm not entirely sure)




. . . All this week I've had butterflies.

I'm getting all weepy and sentimental, so I apologize for all the cheesiness I'm about to overwhelm y'all with.

This entire show has been amazing. From auditions, to callbacks, to this precise moment, I have been so blessed and grateful to be working with such talented, interesting, entertaining, and wonderful people. I never expected to be looking at my life right now and feel so thankful for the past couple months.

I've learned to take chances, and come out of my shell. I've learned about what friendship really means, and that sometimes it's okay to be a little selfish and take care of yourself. I've learned to love in a way I didn't know was possible because sometimes love comes to you from out of nowhere, and I've learned that coming back home is sometimes exactly what you need when you have no idea where to go. True friends will stick with you no matter what life circumstances you're dealing with.

More than ever I have come to appreciate the amount of energy and hard work it takes to put together a production of this magnitude. It isn't just several weeks of dancing and learning music. It isn't just showing up to rehearsals. Your heart and soul start growing roots, entangling your life with the lives of the people who you spend countless hours with each week.

Oscar Wilde once said that "Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life." I believe this on a couple levels, but especially with this production of Legally Blonde I've seen why that's true. With every ounce of effort put into making a show like this happen, you grow and develop not only your stage-character, but your own personal character. The lessons hidden between the lines help reveal to you little truths that help you become a better person. You learn and grow and change just as the character you are portraying does. It can be beautiful, and it can be painful.

Although most nights I left rehearsals with a smile on my face and one of the many fabulous songs stuck in my head, occasionally I'd leave crying.

That's why I love theatre. I love it because it hurts. Because it resonates with a part of yourself you didn't even realize could be touched by a scene or a song. It breaks you down and forces you to feel things you may have been ignoring or just burying as deep down as possible. It also gives words to emotions you can hardly even explain.

Some people have said to me how much I remind them of Elle Woods. At first glance, that may not seem like a compliment. But after several years of knowing this musical, and the past couple months seriously studying each moment of every act... I consider it a great honor. Elle Woods gets judged, rejected, stereotyped, and criticized, yet still finds the strength to smile and keep trying. She is told she isn't good enough, that she doesn't belong, and she shouldn't even bother to keep going. But with a little help, she doesn't let that keep her down. She fights for what she wants, stands up for what she believes in, and ultimately refuses to settle for what people expect of her. Yes, she is blonde and wears a lot of pink. Yes, she is high-energy. But she has a fire inside of her that I envy. As I've grown as a person, I've seen more and more how important it is to pursue what you love, regardless of whether it is the safest course of action.

I miss this show with so many fibers of my being that it aches on a daily basis. I miss my chicky-boom-booms.. I miss my Emmett, and I miss my Paulette. I miss my dogs, and I miss my sorority girls. I miss my Mom and Dad and being called Button. I miss walking into a room and immediately feeling at peace. I miss being at home in my own skin. Nothing energizes and revitalizes me like a good show.

I love you all. Let's do it again sometime. <3

Do We Ever Understand Why

Life has been kind of bizarre.

Through some silly twists and turns in life, I'm back home in Upstate NY for a spell. I've been so thankful to be back, although I miss my VA life on a daily basis. Even though it has been great, being home again has its challenges. Some of those challenges aren't even home related. Being home means going back to old stomping grounds, and transitioning back into the circles I ran in before.

Now, I know life keeps going even when you're not around to witness it, but for some reason coming back home and seeing just how much things have really changed was a little jarring. There are little changes like my kitchen and bathroom being different colors, and the fact my cat has put on some weight. Then there are bigger changes like the little kids I used to help watch in Sunday School now driving and graduating from high school.

But then there are big changes. A few really difficult things have happened that have hit a little too close to home over the past month or so.

One of my close friends was arrested. Given the nature of the charges, and the circle of friends I know this person from, it hasn't been easy to understand why. I've been in a bit a shock, and I've found it really hard to come to terms with how things have changed in this area of life. I believe our circumstances have an effect on us, but what you choose to do and how you act in the midst of your trials are what counts. The community this particular circumstance has affected is very dear to me, and to see just how many of my friends have been hurt and let down is awful. I didn't think I would be as upset as I have been, seeing as how I haven't had consistent contact since I moved away. But since moving back and being around a group of friends who are like family, seeing them trying their best to pick up the pieces and move on is absolutely heartbreaking. This friend broke trust, and has been largely unapologetic about it. Part of my history and past is now tainted with the presence of new information and knowledge about somebody who I care about very much. This was somebody I spent hours with. I've been to their house, walked their dog, grabbed coffee, lunch, and countless other moments over the years. And to find out now so much of that was built on dishonesty and lies... it's a bit hard to swallow. It's not easy to remember to love and forgive when you just feel angry and hurt. Sometimes all you can do is cry because no other action makes sense. I've had some days when I wake up with a headache from having cried myself to sleep the night before. It's emotionally and physically exhausting to try and make sense of something that there is no real chance of understanding. But, somehow you have to accept that you don't understand and just move on anyway. I'm still working on letting go of the harsher emotions. Hopefully it'll be sooner rather than later. It's not a whole lot of fun to have this on my mind as often as it is.

Also, when you read stories in the news about some crime or another, it may be sad and you feel bad about it, but you're still mostly detached. It isn't you, your family, or your friends. It's unfortunate, but oh well. But when the stories in the paper are about your friends, and your community, it hurts a little more. Even if you aren't directly involved, it stings. 

This particular event gripped me with more fear than I can ever recall feeling. I'm generally a laid-back person, but for some reason I felt really super unsettled one day a couple weeks ago. I didn't know why or what it was about, but for the entire day I felt like a weight was sitting on my chest. I came to find out the next day that my brothers job had put him in a sensitive and tense situation. I had heard about the story from a local source, but to find out just how closely involved my brother had been was somewhat disconcerting. It had nothing to do with my faith in his skills and abilities. I just felt scared. Maybe it seems silly to some people, but I was worried. I can't explain why I suddenly felt like God wasn't protecting my brother, even though He clearly had been. I'm not sure what lesson there was for me to learn in this other than realizing I need to hand over my fears and worries to God for good.

God has really been showing me just how much I need to let go of my fears. Along with the above examples, and a few more that I'm not able to go into detail about, I've been seeing that I doubt God more than I ever realized. He has control over the uncontrollable circumstances surrounding me. He is taking care of my loved ones, and ensuring that whatever happens, it is all in our best interest.

I know that. I understand that. It makes sense to me. But, even though in my head I can say without a doubt I'm positive God is in control, the way I live my life daily is not a very good representation of that. It's kind of embarrassing to be honest. Even though I have every confidence that God will always have everything taken care of, I still fail Him by being worried and by being afraid. I'm not sure how much of this makes sense. These are just some thoughts I felt like trying to put into words. 

It has been a strange season of growth and change in my life lately. New opportunities, goals, and plans are taking shape. And even though it's all exciting and wonderful, there is that side of me still afraid and scared to see just how far God's plan can take me. I can barely see past the next few months. And anybody who knows me knows just how uneasy that makes me.

I guess it could all sound childish and unimportant and elementary. To some people, the things I'm dealing and struggling with are things they think they have figured out. But for me, some of this is new territory. Some of the fears I have are old ones, but some are uncharted and I'm only just starting to recognize them. I'm so far from being finished. I'm nowhere near being where I should be. Some days I feel like I've been taking steps back instead of moving forward. Whatever season God has me in right now hurts and aches. But I feel like it is the kind of hurt that kick-starts something extraordinary. All I know is that I'm learning, and no great lessons are ever learned quickly.

There are other things going on too. Like trying to figure out what my plan is after the musical wraps up. Will I stay in VA, or will I move again? Should I pursue what I truly love, or do the logical and rational thing? Should I see about going international, or should I spend more time stateside? There are all sorts of options and opportunities, and it's all a little crazy to think about. But time doesn't wait for us to get our crap together before it continues on its way. I guess my brain has just been processing so much lately that it hasn't really had time to just stop and reflect on what has been going on. Maybe that's kind of why I felt the need to write. I usually only write when something has been on my mind and heart for so long I need to document it somehow. Maybe this time I just needed to ramble and run around in circles with my thoughts. I'll be surprised if any of this makes sense to me when I read it back, but at least for right now it feels better.

Nevertheless, something good is coming. I don't know what or when, but I know God has some fantastic plans in store for me. I just need to let Him get me there.