I have a bunch of drafts sitting around that I've never finished, or never felt brave enough to publish. This one is a combination of old feelings and new thoughts. Part of growing up is facing your fears, isn't it? Well, one of my biggest fears is that people will judge me for my honesty. I've come to realize that they don't have to like the truth, but they do not get to tell me I can't tell it just because it makes them uncomfortable.
***
Sometimes I let myself wonder why we didn't work out. The real reason, not the noncommittal and evasive reason you gave me so abruptly. I have to wonder because you never told me. Was it that your parents disapproved? Or was it that you'd already decided who the next girl you were going to charm would be? It doesn't really matter, but I'd still like to know. Breakups make little sense if as you're going through one he tells you he still likes you. Go figure.
If I think about you in the middle of my day, it makes me smile. Sometimes. But if I think about you when I'm alone at night it makes me sad. There is a part of me that argues this happens because I was in love with you, and then another part of me shouts back defensively I never was. I think they're both right. I wasn't in love with you at first. You knew that. You said everything so fast that it scared me. But eventually I saw us having kids, and our daughter had your blue eyes and our son had your crooked smirk and ability to nap anywhere. How you went from leaving surprise flowers on my porch and driving 12 hours to bring me to your parents house, to coldly dropping me off at my car after breaking my heart I'll never know.
I wonder what would happen if we ever saw each other again. Would we act like we didn't and walk past each other with our heads down, or would we exchange casual pleasantries? Maybe have an actual conversation, and say we should grab a coffee and catch up? What if you hugged me like that time... you know the one. One that lingers a few moments longer than a hello and feels like coming home. Of course, we know that would never happen. No... you'd betray your previously stated indifference. What if you said hi and this time I left you hanging? That would be a change. Every now and again I see someone with features like yours across a room. But the last time I saw you in a crowd, you didn't even come my way to say hello. You became such a jerk over the last couple of weeks our lives intersected. Nobody saw that but me. It broke my heart several times over when I saw friends picking you in our imaginary custody battle. There were no sides but somehow you managed to get everyone to treat me like I had died. Nobody came to pay their respects.
I was in town a few months ago and it gave me a sense of sweet justice to see one of the places we used to go all the time had been torn down.
I was walking down the street a few weeks ago when I heard your old text tone coming from a strangers phone. Suddenly I was years younger and hopeful and trusting again and out of ancient habit looked at my own screen. Then I remember I deleted your number. Not that having caller-ID would ever have been necessary.
You never once called to give me the chance to hit ignore.
