A new season, a new country

It has been a long while since I've posted. I blame having to work and pay bills for that. :p

As some of you know, I submitted an application to MissionNannys.org. Last week I was informed that I was approved to be a part of this amazing program. Currently I am praying about which family I feel God is leading me to, and although I have some preferences on which location I may go, discerning where it is that God wants me has proven to be a lot more difficult than I had anticipated.

I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I continue searching for the best fit. This is not a decision I have come to lightly, and although I am beyond thrilled, the terror of leaving the states for an undetermined length of time to go to an entirely unfamiliar place with a whole new culture is a little bit dizzying. The flip-side is this: I AM SO EXCITED. Really. I have on multiple occasions spontaneously happy-danced around my house. This has been something I've wanted to do since I got home from Bluefields when I was 15. Missions have always had a hold on my heart, and this opportunity was too fantastic to let pass by.

So, that's a quick update on what has been going on in my life. If you have any questions about the program, or have any advice for me concerning traveling for a longer length of time, please send me a message. I am open to any good pointers and tips that may help me figure this whole process out!

Thank you, all! :)

Not a sprint, but a marathon

Summer came and went far too quickly. Granted, by the calendar there are still a few weeks left, but seeing as how my friends are about to start another year at school and the leaves outside this coffee shop window are starting to turn colors, it just doesn't quite feel like summer anymore.

Where do I begin? I guess for starters, these past couple months have been AMAZING. I got back into town after a lot of my friends had gone home for the summer. I anticipated it being really lonely and boring and that I'd spend most of it at home watching TV when I wasn't working. Although I have spent a good deal of time at home I have also been so blessed to find that this summer was far from lonely, anything but boring, and chock full of great friends and endless laughter.

As some of you know I challenged myself to go beyond my comfort zone the last three months. Basically, as long as it wouldn't severely interfere with being responsible about getting to work at 5am, whenever the opportunity came up to spend time with friends, I would take it. I tend to be a bit of a homebody when I'm tired and that causes me to allow my natural tendency to be lazy and antisocial to grow into something ugly.

I am an extrovert, but I have discovered that after a long day at work I revert to my introverted side with almost a deliriously joyous glee and relish. I finally bought myself a guitar, so now I can play more than just when I'm back home in New York. I have played more in the past couple weeks than I have in the past two years combined. Not that it means much because I haven't really improved at all, but it has brightened my overall mood considerably. If I go too long without belting show tunes at the top of my lungs, playing guitar, or spilling my guts on paper or computer, I feel really tense and stressed and grumpy and not a soul likes me much during those times. :P

It didn't take long for God to make it quite clear He had a whole lot of good stuff in store for me.

Example one: I love my job! My coworkers are a blast to work with, and I leave with a grin on my face almost every day. I had been pretty mehh about my previous job situation, but this position has been like a breath of fresh air, and a major answer to prayer. Yes, it consists mainly of shifts beginning at 5:00 AM, but usually weekdays don't have a whole lot of parties going on anyway. ;)

Example two: My friends are some of the most legit people I have ever known. I had a few conversations that put a lot of the things I have been thinking and struggling with into perspective. If there's anything that helps turn your attitude around, it is a frank discussion with somebody who has already gone through the place you're in, survived, and loves to help others avoid the mistakes they have made. 

Example three: My family is precious and I love them immensely. I was so grateful that almost the whole family was able to come visit for my birthday. I spent several days at the beach with my mother and sisters, and it was rejuvenating. We sat on the boardwalk talking about life, its trials, and its triumphs. It sounds counter-intuitive but sometimes having standards can make life feel more discouraging. It was so sweet to see how God is shaping and growing my baby sisters into such wise and mature people with a real heart for seeking truth and justice despite how hard life can be when you're not sure what the right choice is. It helps to be reminded that family loves you regardless of where you're at in life.

There are a bunch more wonderful little tidbits, but some are the kind of special that you keep to yourself in a happy little corner of your heart. :)

Overall I feel like I've grown-up a lot. There is still a long way to go, but I'm pretty sure any start is better than none at all. I have my faith, family, friends, and a couple dreams in my pocket and some words of wisdom on my sleeve. There is a peace about life that I really haven't felt before. I see more potential around me on a daily basis, I'm more hopeful, I feel more optimistic, and I have a sense of purpose I don't think I had previously. I have had a bad tendency to make snap-judgments in my life, and I've seen how that has hurt several of my friendships in the past, so that was something I've really wanted to get rid of. I think I've made progress in being more relaxed about the differences I have with people. I've always been non-confrontational, but I think practicing being non-judgmental has been a much harder journey than I anticipated. Little by little!

There is still a lot up-in-the-air about the future, but the possibilities are endless. What better time is there than now to dream big, love life, and learn how to make mistakes than when a wonderful group of friends have your back and are on your side? It's refreshing to feel the freedom to spread your wings and know that if it doesn't work out you have people to help you back up when you hit the ground.

For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say I love my life. And I love that! :)

I'm Going To Find My Way

(So, I just realized this didn't post when I thought I had... This was written around May 11-12th... or right after. I'm not entirely sure)




. . . All this week I've had butterflies.

I'm getting all weepy and sentimental, so I apologize for all the cheesiness I'm about to overwhelm y'all with.

This entire show has been amazing. From auditions, to callbacks, to this precise moment, I have been so blessed and grateful to be working with such talented, interesting, entertaining, and wonderful people. I never expected to be looking at my life right now and feel so thankful for the past couple months.

I've learned to take chances, and come out of my shell. I've learned about what friendship really means, and that sometimes it's okay to be a little selfish and take care of yourself. I've learned to love in a way I didn't know was possible because sometimes love comes to you from out of nowhere, and I've learned that coming back home is sometimes exactly what you need when you have no idea where to go. True friends will stick with you no matter what life circumstances you're dealing with.

More than ever I have come to appreciate the amount of energy and hard work it takes to put together a production of this magnitude. It isn't just several weeks of dancing and learning music. It isn't just showing up to rehearsals. Your heart and soul start growing roots, entangling your life with the lives of the people who you spend countless hours with each week.

Oscar Wilde once said that "Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life." I believe this on a couple levels, but especially with this production of Legally Blonde I've seen why that's true. With every ounce of effort put into making a show like this happen, you grow and develop not only your stage-character, but your own personal character. The lessons hidden between the lines help reveal to you little truths that help you become a better person. You learn and grow and change just as the character you are portraying does. It can be beautiful, and it can be painful.

Although most nights I left rehearsals with a smile on my face and one of the many fabulous songs stuck in my head, occasionally I'd leave crying.

That's why I love theatre. I love it because it hurts. Because it resonates with a part of yourself you didn't even realize could be touched by a scene or a song. It breaks you down and forces you to feel things you may have been ignoring or just burying as deep down as possible. It also gives words to emotions you can hardly even explain.

Some people have said to me how much I remind them of Elle Woods. At first glance, that may not seem like a compliment. But after several years of knowing this musical, and the past couple months seriously studying each moment of every act... I consider it a great honor. Elle Woods gets judged, rejected, stereotyped, and criticized, yet still finds the strength to smile and keep trying. She is told she isn't good enough, that she doesn't belong, and she shouldn't even bother to keep going. But with a little help, she doesn't let that keep her down. She fights for what she wants, stands up for what she believes in, and ultimately refuses to settle for what people expect of her. Yes, she is blonde and wears a lot of pink. Yes, she is high-energy. But she has a fire inside of her that I envy. As I've grown as a person, I've seen more and more how important it is to pursue what you love, regardless of whether it is the safest course of action.

I miss this show with so many fibers of my being that it aches on a daily basis. I miss my chicky-boom-booms.. I miss my Emmett, and I miss my Paulette. I miss my dogs, and I miss my sorority girls. I miss my Mom and Dad and being called Button. I miss walking into a room and immediately feeling at peace. I miss being at home in my own skin. Nothing energizes and revitalizes me like a good show.

I love you all. Let's do it again sometime. <3

Do We Ever Understand Why

Life has been kind of bizarre.

Through some silly twists and turns in life, I'm back home in Upstate NY for a spell. I've been so thankful to be back, although I miss my VA life on a daily basis. Even though it has been great, being home again has its challenges. Some of those challenges aren't even home related. Being home means going back to old stomping grounds, and transitioning back into the circles I ran in before.

Now, I know life keeps going even when you're not around to witness it, but for some reason coming back home and seeing just how much things have really changed was a little jarring. There are little changes like my kitchen and bathroom being different colors, and the fact my cat has put on some weight. Then there are bigger changes like the little kids I used to help watch in Sunday School now driving and graduating from high school.

But then there are big changes. A few really difficult things have happened that have hit a little too close to home over the past month or so.

One of my close friends was arrested. Given the nature of the charges, and the circle of friends I know this person from, it hasn't been easy to understand why. I've been in a bit a shock, and I've found it really hard to come to terms with how things have changed in this area of life. I believe our circumstances have an effect on us, but what you choose to do and how you act in the midst of your trials are what counts. The community this particular circumstance has affected is very dear to me, and to see just how many of my friends have been hurt and let down is awful. I didn't think I would be as upset as I have been, seeing as how I haven't had consistent contact since I moved away. But since moving back and being around a group of friends who are like family, seeing them trying their best to pick up the pieces and move on is absolutely heartbreaking. This friend broke trust, and has been largely unapologetic about it. Part of my history and past is now tainted with the presence of new information and knowledge about somebody who I care about very much. This was somebody I spent hours with. I've been to their house, walked their dog, grabbed coffee, lunch, and countless other moments over the years. And to find out now so much of that was built on dishonesty and lies... it's a bit hard to swallow. It's not easy to remember to love and forgive when you just feel angry and hurt. Sometimes all you can do is cry because no other action makes sense. I've had some days when I wake up with a headache from having cried myself to sleep the night before. It's emotionally and physically exhausting to try and make sense of something that there is no real chance of understanding. But, somehow you have to accept that you don't understand and just move on anyway. I'm still working on letting go of the harsher emotions. Hopefully it'll be sooner rather than later. It's not a whole lot of fun to have this on my mind as often as it is.

Also, when you read stories in the news about some crime or another, it may be sad and you feel bad about it, but you're still mostly detached. It isn't you, your family, or your friends. It's unfortunate, but oh well. But when the stories in the paper are about your friends, and your community, it hurts a little more. Even if you aren't directly involved, it stings. 

This particular event gripped me with more fear than I can ever recall feeling. I'm generally a laid-back person, but for some reason I felt really super unsettled one day a couple weeks ago. I didn't know why or what it was about, but for the entire day I felt like a weight was sitting on my chest. I came to find out the next day that my brothers job had put him in a sensitive and tense situation. I had heard about the story from a local source, but to find out just how closely involved my brother had been was somewhat disconcerting. It had nothing to do with my faith in his skills and abilities. I just felt scared. Maybe it seems silly to some people, but I was worried. I can't explain why I suddenly felt like God wasn't protecting my brother, even though He clearly had been. I'm not sure what lesson there was for me to learn in this other than realizing I need to hand over my fears and worries to God for good.

God has really been showing me just how much I need to let go of my fears. Along with the above examples, and a few more that I'm not able to go into detail about, I've been seeing that I doubt God more than I ever realized. He has control over the uncontrollable circumstances surrounding me. He is taking care of my loved ones, and ensuring that whatever happens, it is all in our best interest.

I know that. I understand that. It makes sense to me. But, even though in my head I can say without a doubt I'm positive God is in control, the way I live my life daily is not a very good representation of that. It's kind of embarrassing to be honest. Even though I have every confidence that God will always have everything taken care of, I still fail Him by being worried and by being afraid. I'm not sure how much of this makes sense. These are just some thoughts I felt like trying to put into words. 

It has been a strange season of growth and change in my life lately. New opportunities, goals, and plans are taking shape. And even though it's all exciting and wonderful, there is that side of me still afraid and scared to see just how far God's plan can take me. I can barely see past the next few months. And anybody who knows me knows just how uneasy that makes me.

I guess it could all sound childish and unimportant and elementary. To some people, the things I'm dealing and struggling with are things they think they have figured out. But for me, some of this is new territory. Some of the fears I have are old ones, but some are uncharted and I'm only just starting to recognize them. I'm so far from being finished. I'm nowhere near being where I should be. Some days I feel like I've been taking steps back instead of moving forward. Whatever season God has me in right now hurts and aches. But I feel like it is the kind of hurt that kick-starts something extraordinary. All I know is that I'm learning, and no great lessons are ever learned quickly.

There are other things going on too. Like trying to figure out what my plan is after the musical wraps up. Will I stay in VA, or will I move again? Should I pursue what I truly love, or do the logical and rational thing? Should I see about going international, or should I spend more time stateside? There are all sorts of options and opportunities, and it's all a little crazy to think about. But time doesn't wait for us to get our crap together before it continues on its way. I guess my brain has just been processing so much lately that it hasn't really had time to just stop and reflect on what has been going on. Maybe that's kind of why I felt the need to write. I usually only write when something has been on my mind and heart for so long I need to document it somehow. Maybe this time I just needed to ramble and run around in circles with my thoughts. I'll be surprised if any of this makes sense to me when I read it back, but at least for right now it feels better.

Nevertheless, something good is coming. I don't know what or when, but I know God has some fantastic plans in store for me. I just need to let Him get me there.

You say goodbye, and I say hello

One word.

How many things in our life do we describe with just a single word. Not a phrase, or a sentence, or even a full-fledged paragraph. A word. Just one.

This year was many different things. 2012 felt like a roller-coaster most of the time. Sheer panic and fear, but also extreme joy and peace. Confusion and hurt, excitement and love. So many different emotions characterize these past 12 months for me. I've tried, but I can't boil it all down into a single word.

But I am blessed and thankful for each twist and turn that brought me here. I don't know what 2013 holds, but I do know that it will have its own set of challenges and triumphs. It may bring me back to New York for a time, or maybe I'll stay in Virginia for a while. I could even be in another country for a while. Who knows. But it is another year to work harder, try new things, and aim higher. It holds 12 months of life experiences I cannot even anticipate. I'm nervous, but way more excited.

There are a lot of lessons in life. We just need to pay attention. I hope I take more chances than I let opportunities pass me by. I hope I love more than I thought I was capable of. I hope I get inspired. I hope to be a better person. I don't make resolutions, but I do hope I can make changes. I hope I go the extra mile to care about people. I hope I have more patience, and am more gracious. I hope I judge less, and pray more. I hope I give more of myself, and expect less in return. I want to appreciate every day, not taking the minutes and the moments with the people I care about for granted.

Tomorrow is never guaranteed and the future is so uncertain. If there's anything I've learned in 2012 that I hope to carry over to 2013 with me, is that people are so precious, and time with loved ones should be treasured.

To sum up 2012 in one word... Promise.

Nothing is set in stone.

But I especially hope that in 2013, my promises become immovable. To be strong enough to speak up when necessary, and to be silent when it's appropriate.

Love life.
Live fully.
Embrace every day.
Never settle for less than your best.

Let's Play Pretend

Like most little girls, I played a lot of make-believe growing up. I played dress-up, and wore gargantuan dresses and tutus, and danced around because for those moments I was a ballerina, or an ice skater, or anything else that struck my fancy for that day. But I played pretend for other things too.

I dreamed of the layout of my future house. I knew where the kitchen would go, that I wanted red walls, and what wood the cabinets would be made of. In my living room, I wanted big comfy couches angled towards the huge fireplace, and I wanted there to be fresh flowers on the coffee table. I wanted a staircase with a banister you could slide down. And right inside the front door to the right, I wanted a wooden table where the mail would go, and on the wall above it a framed family photograph in black and white.

I dreamed about being an architect, or an actress. At times I wanted to be a spy, or a detective, or pretty much any job that gave me a valid excuse to wear a lot of black and walk around stealthily and possibly own a gun. 

I dreamed of having a dog, three cats, and birds. I dreamed about riding horses on emerald green hills as the sun set in a brilliant orange-pink sky. I dreamed that I would suddenly have a knack for gardening, and other domestic things like putting together lunch-boxes.

I dreamed about having kids. No more than six, but no less than two. Preferably the boy to girl ratio would be 50/50, but even at a young age I knew that was beyond my control. I was rather realistic for being so imaginative.

I dreamed about the boy. The man who on some special magical day would suddenly appear in my life like those guys in movies always do, and I would just know. Along with the guy would eventually come the wedding almost every girl I've ever talked to has had planned in her head at some point in her life. Sparkly things, candles, flowers, and other lovelies that only mattered because you were celebrating marrying the love of your life, and BAM, happily ever after!

But, dreams don't resemble real life all that much.

Dreams are warm and fuzzy and have a pretty glowing haze around them to help us separate them from reality. Dreams are lofty and full of hope and ideals and happy endings. Dreams make us feel like children, and prompt us to dream something bigger. Real-life has harsh edges, and blinding truth we can't avoid. Reality can be cold, and sometimes it really sucks. So, instead of living in the world of sadness and unhappy endings, we dream a little more, and dream more outrageously. Because according to the movies, music, and books, you have to have big dreams to be happy in life. And a happy life is what we all want to have, right?

Well. I have dreamed many big dreams. I have dreamed of the future, and of what could be. Sometimes I dream to distract myself from life, or to console myself when I'm stressed. 

Many nights, I daydream myself to sleep. I think about what could have happened throughout the day, and what may happen tomorrow. I make-believe different scenarios in my head, and try to guess how they would play out depending on what I chose to do. I play pretend every day in one way or another. Not quite like I did as a little girl, and certainly not with Barbie dolls and dollhouse furniture anymore, but I do.

Now, I'm not saying all dreaming is harmless. When you dream so much you leave behind the real world, there is a problem there. If you focus so much on the ideal, the real may pass you by. I try not to forget to stay involved in the life I currently have. I have to remind myself to stay grounded in reality as my head floats away among the clouds. Sometimes I don't recognize the glimmers of my dreams coming true in real life because I am too distracted. I get distracted from real life, and think of all the other wonderful possibilities. Then suddenly I am realizing how many beautiful and wonderful opportunities I already have around me, and that I wouldn't miss them for the world.

But, I dream because it keeps me hopeful. I dream because it allows me to be that little girl again, who wasn't aware of the harsh reality of paying bills, and going to work, of heartbreak, insecurity, and disappointment. I dream because it challenges me to be better. Because with big dreams and high expectations and hopeful ideals come the responsibility to act in such a way that those dreams may come true.

As it was once upon a time sung, "They may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Someday, I will have that big house with the red kitchen. Someday, I will be sitting on the couch with my husband reading stories to our kids, making s'mores in the fireplace, and encouraging them to dream bigger dreams.

One day, I will wake up and my dreams will have come true. Maybe not all of them, and maybe not exactly as I have imagined, but the realization of those dreams will be so much better than any of the dreams themselves were. I believe that dreams can become reality when you're patient enough to let them take their time.

And I may be wrong, but I think dreams are great; but a well-lived reality is better.

Exodus

I was reading the Ten Commandments over the past couple days, and I had to pause at Exodus 20:16, "You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor." 

When we think about the Ten Commandments, the laws we can immediately remember are usually the laws about stealing, not taking the Lord's name in vain, murder, and adultery. But this law isn't one that usually gets much screen time from what I can remember growing up. Why is that? Is it because the rest of the laws seem pretty obvious and easy to obey? Stealing and murder seem like a way bigger deal than giving false testimony, right? But what does this commandment even mean?

From what I can understand it is not necessarily referring to being called up to a witness stand and swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. But isn't it? Every day we are given the choice to tell the truth. And as Christians, it shouldn't be something we feel is an option. I understand that it can be really difficult to love your neighbor. Especially when you believe they have wronged you. But this verse in another translation reads, "you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor." That means no lying. No slandering. No destruction. It means no whispering. It means no talking behind their back. It means no words should escape your lips which are designed to deceive someone about your neighbor. The whole chapter of Ephesians 4 speaks of how we are to "put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor," and also to "speak the truth in love." 

I guess it hit me because of the current society we live in, and how it seems everywhere you turn someone is gossiping and saying hurtful things. I think we know it is much harder to be kind. It is so much harder to tell the truth in love. It is way more difficult to keep from spreading lies when you are upset at how you feel you have been treated. But we have to treat people well. We have to be kind, and be gracious, and be honest. Anything less than that is wrong. Anything less than how Jesus would have treated those He met along the road is wrong.

I am by no means innocent of this. But I have also been a victim of false testimony, and having somebody bear false witness against me. After having had false things said about me, and becoming aware of words spoken that were not said out of love, or even the smallest grain of truth, I think I know why this commandment was included.

It is so painful to know that somebody does not respect you enough as a fellow Christian to treat you with the kindess and love as Christ has called us to. It is a kind of hurt that settles at the bottom of your heart, in the middle of your stomach, and starts tying up in knots until even the mention of what happened makes it hard to breathe. I have to say, the feeling sucks. It is one of the most painful things you could ever experience to know that somebody who claims to love God could so easily and willingly be unloving towards you.

I will be the first to admit that  I've not always felt like reacting kindly. I've gone from either extreme of just being so confused, to being angry. I've gone from wanting to hide in my room to wanting to march right up to them and give them a piece of my mind. But that's not my job. God will work in His own time. Even if He does it at a pace that seems way too slow, it's up to Him to chase down His children and teach them what they need to learn. And if there is nothing I can do but let go and let God have the wheel, then by all means, I think it's my time to make my exit. Prayer is the only weapon I have the strength left to arm myself with, so I better get to work with it.

But what do you do in the meantime? Do you allow yourself to be continuously knocked down and trampled on and belittled simply because God hasn't gotten a hold of them yet? I don't think so. I don't think it's a good thing to allow yourself to remain in a dangerous and unhealthy friendship/relationship/acquaintanceship if they will only continue to hurt you.

Sometimes all you can do is say enough, turn around, and walk away from that negative person in your life. Sometimes, being patient and simply hoping that things will get better won't fix what's wrong. Every now and then you have to admit that you are worth more than how that person makes you feel, and get out and get as far away from them as fast as possible. It doesn't matter what people will say, and it doesn't matter what people think. If the truth is that you have been hurt by somebody, by what they say about you or how they have treated you, you have EVERY right to leave. If somebody claims to be your friend, but then lies about you, complains about you, and refuses to even come and talk to you personally about what they have a problem with, they are not a true friend. Real friends are going to have your back and speak up against those who try to speak false testimony about you.

If you have reached the point where you've had enough, you've put up with too much. If I've learned anything this summer, it's that I am worth more than how others will make me feel.

If any of this sounds like it could apply to you and whatever your situation is,  I just ask that you realize your worth before it's too late. Walk away from whoever it is that is trying to bring you down, and get behind Jesus. As long as you are honestly trying to serve Him and do what is right, that's the best you can do for them. Prayer is a big deal, don't sell it short.

So, there goes another kind of discombobulated and incoherent pile of random thoughts that at the moment seem like they all string together, but upon some sleep and a re-read will show that I began going off about sonic screwdrivers and pie. But in all honesty, I really hope if any of you has dealt with anything like this that you do not feel like you're alone. It is basically bullying, and it is not okay. Talk to somebody, and start getting away from whoever it is that is bringing you down. You're better than that. :)