Count It All Joy

This post serves very little purpose other than to clear out some thoughts waddling through my mind like penguins.

My brain is on massive overload lately.

With all the reading to catch up on and the writing to crank out I am, admittedly, under a lot of stress.

I am impatient.
I want the things I want, and I want them quickly.
I have such little patience to let life play out and let God work His perfect will.
I am scared of time.
I am afraid I will miss out on something wonderful because I am too hasty or too timid.
I am such a mix of conflicting feelings that if somebody shook my thoughts and emotions out into a glass it would be a baffling cocktail.
I feel deeply.
If I care about something, I have a hard time going without it for even a day.
If I don't like something, very little could bring me to changing my mind.
I have a temper and I have anxiety.
I get angry when things don't go my way, and I am a nervous and clumsy wreck when they do.

I have no sense of stability when I stand on my own two feet.
I have no strength to keep my head up after a long night of wrestling with God and life's circumstances.
I have no idea how to be gracious and understanding when my own personal matters feel so insurmountably large and looming.

I know what it is that I want.
I know where it is I want to go.
I know who I want to be.
I know which things in my life I would die for, and things I feel are not worth the battle.

Yet, life is never actually that simple for me.
What I want is not something I can have.
Where I want to go is not a place I can travel to.
Who I want to be is so not the girl I am.
The things I would die for have already been saved.
The battles not worth fighting have already been fought.

But what I am learning, and what I am sensing, and what I have been told.... is that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
My confusion and uncertainty is where I need to be for God to teach me.
My pain and frustration are necessary for me to see just how desperately I need Him to be the one to rescue me.
My joy and my accomplishments are reminders that I am at this point in my life by the grace of God and Him alone.

I have made so many wrong turns. I have burned many bridges.
I have been redeemed. I have been brought out of the darkness.
I am no longer wandering aimlessly through a barren wilderness.
I am not alone and lonely as I am navigating through the thorny days of trials.
I am blessed with the time I have, no matter how brief it may be.
I am grateful to have been loved and cared for by sweet brothers and sisters in Christ.
I have been shown such mercy that I do not even remotely deserve.

Even though these shadows feel heavy and my footsteps are shaky, I count it all joy.

Taking Changes

I was homesick even before I merged onto I-88 West. 

The first dozen miles witnessed a lot of tears. I was scared and not at all prepared to return to studies and the stress of deadlines and papers and hundreds of pages of reading a week. I was afraid certain aspects of last semester would repeat themselves. I was nervous that the wonderful friendships I had made were going to fade into the background as we all got busy, and I would have to start from scratch all over again.

I felt really alone even though my darling cat sat in her box on the passenger seat beside me, curiously meowing every six seconds.

It was rainy when I arrived back on campus. Unpacking my car took a dozen trips, and the knot in my stomach got larger and tighter with every scan of my ID card. Why was I here? What is the point? Would anybody really even notice if I hadn't come back this semester? It took a few days to be at all happy I was back. The first few days, I walked around like a bit of a ghost... not really sure I was supposed to be there, but not quite sure what else to do with myself. But then classes started, and I got to reconnect with people I hadn't communicated with much over break. Things started to feel normal again despite the fact I could still feel that knot. My stubborn resolve and a few deep breaths later I was getting back into the swing of my life here.

Last semester had a lot of ups and downs. Major disappointments and huge uplifting moments seemed to tag-team making appearances throughout my weeks. 

My faith was stretched and I experienced a few growing pains I didn't even realize I still had to go through.

I had been so excited at the beginning of the Fall semester. Excited for new friendships, new memories, and new challenges. Hopeful that some things in my life would turn out to be a bold and magnificent theme illustrating last semester... only to be disappointed and hurt when it turned out to be just a small, briefly noted paragraph. Looking back now, it's a good thing it happened. If it had been any more painful a drop, I might not have been able to bounce back like I did.

Let downs are a part of life. Missed chances break us down so we can rebuild what was poorly constructed in the first place. The most brilliant blueprint could be scrapped at a moments notice, simply because we overlook a crucial part of the planning process... buying the land.

Looking at my life just since this Spring semester has started, I'm amazed at how many things God has been working on in my life. In His time, so many amazing and beautiful things have been happening. 

Opportunities I never would have expected to be there have been given to me.

New friendships have begun when and where I would have least expected.

I've seen things begin and end in my life, and even though initially I was confused about where to go next, I can see how God was directing my path even though I felt like I was stumbling around through the darkness.

Thankfully, I remember how to study and haven't been procrastinating too terribly. The few things I was afraid of repeating haven't (so far). Friends that were there for me last semester through everything are here for me now just as much and probably more than ever. I'm blessed to have these opportunities. I'm grateful I can realize how good I have it right now, despite the days when I'm afraid one wrong exhale could destroy it all.

I am a flawed and finite human being. 

My insecurities will probably never fully be conquered.

But there is an embrace I can feel straight to my soul... and it doesn't come from arms made of flesh.

The knowledge that God has me in the palm of His hands brings me warmth on really cold and dismal days.

Recalling all the times I have felt refreshed after being emotionally spent reminds me of promises that will never fail. I will never be alone and I will never be given more than I can bear.

I am so many miles from the girl I used to be. I am miles away from the girl I'm supposed to be. But these miles I've been covering are full of lessons and blessings in disguise.

I am blessed to have been where I was. I am blessed to be where I am. But I am far more blessed to constantly be moving away from my past and my present towards an even better future.

Even though I'm apprehensive of taking chances, I'm learning to not be afraid of taking changes as they come.

Some of the scariest changes are now important pages in the scrapbook of my life. And I can't wait to see what is printed on the pages I'm living right now.