Count It All Joy

This post serves very little purpose other than to clear out some thoughts waddling through my mind like penguins.

My brain is on massive overload lately.

With all the reading to catch up on and the writing to crank out I am, admittedly, under a lot of stress.

I am impatient.
I want the things I want, and I want them quickly.
I have such little patience to let life play out and let God work His perfect will.
I am scared of time.
I am afraid I will miss out on something wonderful because I am too hasty or too timid.
I am such a mix of conflicting feelings that if somebody shook my thoughts and emotions out into a glass it would be a baffling cocktail.
I feel deeply.
If I care about something, I have a hard time going without it for even a day.
If I don't like something, very little could bring me to changing my mind.
I have a temper and I have anxiety.
I get angry when things don't go my way, and I am a nervous and clumsy wreck when they do.

I have no sense of stability when I stand on my own two feet.
I have no strength to keep my head up after a long night of wrestling with God and life's circumstances.
I have no idea how to be gracious and understanding when my own personal matters feel so insurmountably large and looming.

I know what it is that I want.
I know where it is I want to go.
I know who I want to be.
I know which things in my life I would die for, and things I feel are not worth the battle.

Yet, life is never actually that simple for me.
What I want is not something I can have.
Where I want to go is not a place I can travel to.
Who I want to be is so not the girl I am.
The things I would die for have already been saved.
The battles not worth fighting have already been fought.

But what I am learning, and what I am sensing, and what I have been told.... is that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
My confusion and uncertainty is where I need to be for God to teach me.
My pain and frustration are necessary for me to see just how desperately I need Him to be the one to rescue me.
My joy and my accomplishments are reminders that I am at this point in my life by the grace of God and Him alone.

I have made so many wrong turns. I have burned many bridges.
I have been redeemed. I have been brought out of the darkness.
I am no longer wandering aimlessly through a barren wilderness.
I am not alone and lonely as I am navigating through the thorny days of trials.
I am blessed with the time I have, no matter how brief it may be.
I am grateful to have been loved and cared for by sweet brothers and sisters in Christ.
I have been shown such mercy that I do not even remotely deserve.

Even though these shadows feel heavy and my footsteps are shaky, I count it all joy.