Turns out I haven't posted on this thing in a really long time. So much has happened I can't even do a recap. But.. here's what's been on my heart recently. Brace yourself: This is NOT all rainbows and butterflies and happy smiley faces.
Truth time? Truth time.
This year, and especially the past few months, have been full of having to let go of expectations. I have been learning sometimes people who hurt you may not even know they did. Or if they do know and acknowledge the situation, they may place the blame on you, making the pain worse because now you bear guilt that is not yours to shoulder. I've also had to learn in some cases, an apology will never come. Because the person who hurt you genuinely does not care that they did.
Moving past a bad experience is tough. It's a wee bit worse when it involves being steamrolled and emotionally abused to the point you don't even recognize yourself anymore.
As a result of the recent bologna on my plate, I've had panic attacks (which are new and terrifying to me), bouts of anxiety (not so new, but much worse than before), depression (old news by now), and a near complete disinterest in socializing with even my closest friends (but I'm also pretty introverted, so who knows why exactly).
I don't share this information for sympathy or pity or to solicit prayers. I'm sharing because I am so tired of people pretending they are fine just because some people around us don't like to know life isn't all peaches and cream. Guess what? Life literally sucks for a lot of people. And it isn't because they didn't do this, or they did do that. Sometimes it JUST SUCKS. And that's actually really normal considering this world is so screwed up and imperfect and flawed. It's lonely to struggle with an issue that is so personal and hidden. But at the same time you also feel like someone should notice and ask you how you are. We need each other to help keep us upright when we can't do it for ourselves anymore.
Some people call Christianity a crutch for the weak. They're right. That was the whole point of Jesus coming to earth. He came to heal the sick. To save the lost. Be strong for the weak. I'm beyond grateful for that. If He didn't, I'd have given up a long time ago. Just because someone isn't physically or visibly hurt doesn't mean they aren't nursing some seriously painful wounds. And those wounds may be in their own heart and mind which makes them that much more difficult to heal.
Late last year, someone told me I was "so different from who you were back in high school". And they're right. I have changed. In a lot of ways for the better. I can stand up for myself now in ways I couldn't before. I like to think my worldview has expanded and matured. But in some other ways, I've not really gotten better. I'm bitter and cynical and often way too impatient and selfish. I've also noticed that thanks to some painful experiences, I'm also very closed off and scared of letting someone close enough to possibly break down the walls I've meticulously built up. I can't stand small talk, and spending time with groups of people makes me feel suffocated. It's so very rare I ever feel comfortable around people anymore, while in high school I was probably exactly the opposite.While I used to thrive off of attention, when I get it now I feel this intense need to deflect it away from me. Usually that is done with a vaguely inappropriate sarcastic comment, or by putting myself down in a comical way to try and change the subject.
That's why on the rare occasion I do like someone or enjoy their company, I get attached quickly. And maybe I get too excited to have someone in my life who doesn't immediately irritate me, and maybe I overshare too soon and trust too much. Whatever the reason, I tend to burn out the friendship too fast. So, because I'm aware of the fact I tend to do this, I stop myself before I can start. I self-sabotage my relationships because I just know that they will get sick of me and disappear just as I think they would never bail. And that's also really lonely. It perpetuates the known cycle I'm in, and yet I haven't been able to break out of it. Also working on that... but it'll be a longer process, I'm sure.
I'm a bit broken. I'm a lot bruised. I still get nauseous when I see a new email show up in my inbox. I have a bit of PTSD from seeing certain names show up on my Facebook news feed. I have to steady myself every time I go out in public. I feel like I'm on the run, but not going anywhere.
However, I'm trying. I keep working at being okay. I'm thankful for the family and friends who have been patient with me. I'm alive. I'm hanging in there. And I'm going to keep trying to hang in there. As long as it takes.
**If you made it this far, I apologize for the weird-as-heck spacing. I tried, but it wouldn't let me fix it. :(
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