2018 was quite a personal illustration of the entire spectrum of human emotion. From incalculable joy to sobering grief, this year was way too much too many times.
My heart is heavy as I recall all the loss this year held. Fractured relationships. The death of my mother's cousin Larry earlier in the year, and my former PHC classmate Bre just a few days ago, both of which were sudden and awful and inexplicable. The death of pets. The anniversaries of other loved one's deaths came around again and hit hard. I am not unfamiliar with death, and it never gets easier - if anything, it breaks my heart harder each time.
Then there's the stress of feeling my body aging and learning pain is the new normal. Mental exhaustion trying to find a balance between responsibility and enjoying life and usually failing. Emotional breakdowns born out of frustration that the world is so unkind to those who feel everything a little more acutely than those around them. Life is hard and it hurts. I've made a lot of mistakes and haven't been able to fix them all.
But this year has also had many blessings that were unexpected and so thrilling.
The family tree started growing new branches. I got to travel to the country my family is from and connect with roots I didn't know I had. An old friendship became a new love I am so thankful for which has made me feel appreciated and respected and understood in a way I never thought I'd experience. Co-workers showed support and love through their kindness and generosity and patience. Friends invested time and love into my life and reminded me that being goofy and screaming loudly at high speeds is good for you. Family is more than who is your blood, it is who mutually puts in the effort to be there for you and include you even when it's hard and impossible or inconvenient.
It has not been an easy year at all. But life isn't supposed to be easy. It tests us, challenges us, and gives us opportunities to do better than we have before. Every day we get on this earth is a gift to try again, and take a chance to ask that question. The answer may surprise you.
An entire year isn't defined by whether at 11:59 p.m. on December 31st the good times outweighed the bad. It's what you do with the sum of it that matters.
I'm not one for New Year's resolutions. I think they're a lame excuse to delay doing the thing you know you should've already been doing for weeks. However, I do see more clearly a few things I want to change based on these last few days of 2018.
Life is not guaranteed. I have had an ache in my chest since Friday as I have felt so much more keenly the brevity of time together on this earth. Quite literally, you never know when the last time you'll see someone is. I want to remember to look around and appreciate who I have while I still have them. I'm going to take more pictures of the people I love. Spend more time with them, even if it's in silence. Make more conscious efforts to follow-thru and visit people, or grab coffee, or just catch up with someone I haven't talked to in a while. I was not close to Bre, but her death has been a wake-up call that the life we have could be over without any warning, with no chance to reconcile and say goodbye. The material things are irrelevant. It's the memories made, even if some day you don't remember all the details of what you did with that time, you'll know it was together and it mattered.
If the past 26 years of my life is any indication I anticipate 2019 has its own vast set of lessons in store for me to fumble through. I'm hoping for a little more gracefulness than I exhibited this year, but I suppose progress is the goal even if you trip and face-plant first before getting up, brushing yourself off, and taking another step.
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