Do We Ever Understand Why

Life has been kind of bizarre.

Through some silly twists and turns in life, I'm back home in Upstate NY for a spell. I've been so thankful to be back, although I miss my VA life on a daily basis. Even though it has been great, being home again has its challenges. Some of those challenges aren't even home related. Being home means going back to old stomping grounds, and transitioning back into the circles I ran in before.

Now, I know life keeps going even when you're not around to witness it, but for some reason coming back home and seeing just how much things have really changed was a little jarring. There are little changes like my kitchen and bathroom being different colors, and the fact my cat has put on some weight. Then there are bigger changes like the little kids I used to help watch in Sunday School now driving and graduating from high school.

But then there are big changes. A few really difficult things have happened that have hit a little too close to home over the past month or so.

One of my close friends was arrested. Given the nature of the charges, and the circle of friends I know this person from, it hasn't been easy to understand why. I've been in a bit a shock, and I've found it really hard to come to terms with how things have changed in this area of life. I believe our circumstances have an effect on us, but what you choose to do and how you act in the midst of your trials are what counts. The community this particular circumstance has affected is very dear to me, and to see just how many of my friends have been hurt and let down is awful. I didn't think I would be as upset as I have been, seeing as how I haven't had consistent contact since I moved away. But since moving back and being around a group of friends who are like family, seeing them trying their best to pick up the pieces and move on is absolutely heartbreaking. This friend broke trust, and has been largely unapologetic about it. Part of my history and past is now tainted with the presence of new information and knowledge about somebody who I care about very much. This was somebody I spent hours with. I've been to their house, walked their dog, grabbed coffee, lunch, and countless other moments over the years. And to find out now so much of that was built on dishonesty and lies... it's a bit hard to swallow. It's not easy to remember to love and forgive when you just feel angry and hurt. Sometimes all you can do is cry because no other action makes sense. I've had some days when I wake up with a headache from having cried myself to sleep the night before. It's emotionally and physically exhausting to try and make sense of something that there is no real chance of understanding. But, somehow you have to accept that you don't understand and just move on anyway. I'm still working on letting go of the harsher emotions. Hopefully it'll be sooner rather than later. It's not a whole lot of fun to have this on my mind as often as it is.

Also, when you read stories in the news about some crime or another, it may be sad and you feel bad about it, but you're still mostly detached. It isn't you, your family, or your friends. It's unfortunate, but oh well. But when the stories in the paper are about your friends, and your community, it hurts a little more. Even if you aren't directly involved, it stings. 

This particular event gripped me with more fear than I can ever recall feeling. I'm generally a laid-back person, but for some reason I felt really super unsettled one day a couple weeks ago. I didn't know why or what it was about, but for the entire day I felt like a weight was sitting on my chest. I came to find out the next day that my brothers job had put him in a sensitive and tense situation. I had heard about the story from a local source, but to find out just how closely involved my brother had been was somewhat disconcerting. It had nothing to do with my faith in his skills and abilities. I just felt scared. Maybe it seems silly to some people, but I was worried. I can't explain why I suddenly felt like God wasn't protecting my brother, even though He clearly had been. I'm not sure what lesson there was for me to learn in this other than realizing I need to hand over my fears and worries to God for good.

God has really been showing me just how much I need to let go of my fears. Along with the above examples, and a few more that I'm not able to go into detail about, I've been seeing that I doubt God more than I ever realized. He has control over the uncontrollable circumstances surrounding me. He is taking care of my loved ones, and ensuring that whatever happens, it is all in our best interest.

I know that. I understand that. It makes sense to me. But, even though in my head I can say without a doubt I'm positive God is in control, the way I live my life daily is not a very good representation of that. It's kind of embarrassing to be honest. Even though I have every confidence that God will always have everything taken care of, I still fail Him by being worried and by being afraid. I'm not sure how much of this makes sense. These are just some thoughts I felt like trying to put into words. 

It has been a strange season of growth and change in my life lately. New opportunities, goals, and plans are taking shape. And even though it's all exciting and wonderful, there is that side of me still afraid and scared to see just how far God's plan can take me. I can barely see past the next few months. And anybody who knows me knows just how uneasy that makes me.

I guess it could all sound childish and unimportant and elementary. To some people, the things I'm dealing and struggling with are things they think they have figured out. But for me, some of this is new territory. Some of the fears I have are old ones, but some are uncharted and I'm only just starting to recognize them. I'm so far from being finished. I'm nowhere near being where I should be. Some days I feel like I've been taking steps back instead of moving forward. Whatever season God has me in right now hurts and aches. But I feel like it is the kind of hurt that kick-starts something extraordinary. All I know is that I'm learning, and no great lessons are ever learned quickly.

There are other things going on too. Like trying to figure out what my plan is after the musical wraps up. Will I stay in VA, or will I move again? Should I pursue what I truly love, or do the logical and rational thing? Should I see about going international, or should I spend more time stateside? There are all sorts of options and opportunities, and it's all a little crazy to think about. But time doesn't wait for us to get our crap together before it continues on its way. I guess my brain has just been processing so much lately that it hasn't really had time to just stop and reflect on what has been going on. Maybe that's kind of why I felt the need to write. I usually only write when something has been on my mind and heart for so long I need to document it somehow. Maybe this time I just needed to ramble and run around in circles with my thoughts. I'll be surprised if any of this makes sense to me when I read it back, but at least for right now it feels better.

Nevertheless, something good is coming. I don't know what or when, but I know God has some fantastic plans in store for me. I just need to let Him get me there.