Taking Changes

I was homesick even before I merged onto I-88 West. 

The first dozen miles witnessed a lot of tears. I was scared and not at all prepared to return to studies and the stress of deadlines and papers and hundreds of pages of reading a week. I was afraid certain aspects of last semester would repeat themselves. I was nervous that the wonderful friendships I had made were going to fade into the background as we all got busy, and I would have to start from scratch all over again.

I felt really alone even though my darling cat sat in her box on the passenger seat beside me, curiously meowing every six seconds.

It was rainy when I arrived back on campus. Unpacking my car took a dozen trips, and the knot in my stomach got larger and tighter with every scan of my ID card. Why was I here? What is the point? Would anybody really even notice if I hadn't come back this semester? It took a few days to be at all happy I was back. The first few days, I walked around like a bit of a ghost... not really sure I was supposed to be there, but not quite sure what else to do with myself. But then classes started, and I got to reconnect with people I hadn't communicated with much over break. Things started to feel normal again despite the fact I could still feel that knot. My stubborn resolve and a few deep breaths later I was getting back into the swing of my life here.

Last semester had a lot of ups and downs. Major disappointments and huge uplifting moments seemed to tag-team making appearances throughout my weeks. 

My faith was stretched and I experienced a few growing pains I didn't even realize I still had to go through.

I had been so excited at the beginning of the Fall semester. Excited for new friendships, new memories, and new challenges. Hopeful that some things in my life would turn out to be a bold and magnificent theme illustrating last semester... only to be disappointed and hurt when it turned out to be just a small, briefly noted paragraph. Looking back now, it's a good thing it happened. If it had been any more painful a drop, I might not have been able to bounce back like I did.

Let downs are a part of life. Missed chances break us down so we can rebuild what was poorly constructed in the first place. The most brilliant blueprint could be scrapped at a moments notice, simply because we overlook a crucial part of the planning process... buying the land.

Looking at my life just since this Spring semester has started, I'm amazed at how many things God has been working on in my life. In His time, so many amazing and beautiful things have been happening. 

Opportunities I never would have expected to be there have been given to me.

New friendships have begun when and where I would have least expected.

I've seen things begin and end in my life, and even though initially I was confused about where to go next, I can see how God was directing my path even though I felt like I was stumbling around through the darkness.

Thankfully, I remember how to study and haven't been procrastinating too terribly. The few things I was afraid of repeating haven't (so far). Friends that were there for me last semester through everything are here for me now just as much and probably more than ever. I'm blessed to have these opportunities. I'm grateful I can realize how good I have it right now, despite the days when I'm afraid one wrong exhale could destroy it all.

I am a flawed and finite human being. 

My insecurities will probably never fully be conquered.

But there is an embrace I can feel straight to my soul... and it doesn't come from arms made of flesh.

The knowledge that God has me in the palm of His hands brings me warmth on really cold and dismal days.

Recalling all the times I have felt refreshed after being emotionally spent reminds me of promises that will never fail. I will never be alone and I will never be given more than I can bear.

I am so many miles from the girl I used to be. I am miles away from the girl I'm supposed to be. But these miles I've been covering are full of lessons and blessings in disguise.

I am blessed to have been where I was. I am blessed to be where I am. But I am far more blessed to constantly be moving away from my past and my present towards an even better future.

Even though I'm apprehensive of taking chances, I'm learning to not be afraid of taking changes as they come.

Some of the scariest changes are now important pages in the scrapbook of my life. And I can't wait to see what is printed on the pages I'm living right now.